Friday, August 14, 2009

Malt Mission 2009 #361

Old Weller Antique
Old Weller Antique
"The Original 107 Brand"
Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

53.5% abv

Fuck Scotch. There, I said it.

And you have ALL been thinking it. And typing it all over the world wide interweave. You know you have.

Fuck Scotch.
Say it!
Doesn't that feel good?

Money grubbing capitalists colouring their computer-produced imported barley spirit shit brown, pumping it into bell-shaped/square/triangular/crystal bottles (that POISON us!) and then increasing their carbon footprints by shipping it all over this blessed, otherwise perfect world, and selling it at a premium to noveau riche wankers from India to Indiana. Disgusting. How dare they?

Fuck fucking Scotch.

1000 whisky jobs lost in Scotland last month, $16,000 dollar new releases, $18,000 bottles at auction, and mutually masterbatory awards and festivals where these whisky makers (read "venture capitalists") congratulate themselves to the point of orgasm, then bottle it and call their new make "the spirit drink that dare not speak its name." Well sirs, we do not swallow your lies. We spit.

Fuck Scotch.
Let's have a stretch of non-Scotch whiskies here on the Malt Mission.

Here's a 'wheated' bourbon from the good people at Buffalo Trace. And, as the faux-vintage label so eloquently says, this stuff is "7 summers old".


Full of vegetables and bitter oak. Parsnip, tomatoes, celery salt. Maraschino cherry. Starchy, brown sugar sweetness and raw corn.

Apple crumble, vanilla, boiled potatoes. Kicks my ass when I swallow it. baBang! Spicy. Cinnamon, some vanilla and maple syrup, but jeebus... Cutting it brings out pecans, more apples, and a warming butterscotch flavour. Oak drives the finish and, believe it or not, I reach for my glass again and again until it is dry.


Okay, maybe don't "fuck scotch" so soon.

Seriously, though, this liquid can take an insult and throw it right back in your face. Yes, this bourbon bites back. Alcohol with attitude. Definite bang for buck cuz I been banged up good.

Malt Mission #360
Malt Mission #362
Malt Mission #363
Malt Mission #364
Malt Mission #365

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Joshua (Yossi) said...


John Hansell said...


DB said...

Serious? Joking? Whatever your point is, you're making me laugh.

Jeremy said...


Unknown said...

I sure am thristy for a scotch now!

lafew said...

Sam, is this an inspiration with a subtle suggestion, here?

BTW, I purchased two bottles of the Balvie-Signature Reserve Batch 1 with the MA-card. It took a bit to track them down. So far, I'm storing them. Thanks for the suggestion @ WOW-Binny's last March.

sku said...

Can you verify that there is, indeed, Scotch in Indiana?

Seriously, hilarious post! I hope Wm. Grant "gets it" though.

Dr. Whisky said...

Who's laughing now, Sku? ;)

Tim F said...

Legend! Great post, Sam :)